hard

"... not because it is easy, but because it is hard..."

It is hard... As I am so new to this world, and I know so little of its rules, and I know nobody that knows them, and nobody can help me (for free)...

I had got so used to being efficient in what I do, I was so used to being there, at the top, well protected by my universe. Of course, some question it was in any way the top, but for me it was. And here, the top, the place that I see as the top, is quite far from where I am. And I keep missing, and I keep failing to prove any competence in the field. And I would need it so much. An it makes me so unhappy.

Yes, it is another world. A different world. It's true, it fits my criteria - it's a big city. But the rules here, the way to do things here, they're different. I am built in a quite different way.

And the fact that the city is big and the whole system is so big, this makes me feel small, and helpless, but especially small.

Sometime I wonder if it is possible to do it. To win this fight for what I want to get hold of. And I think it is. Others did it too. It's true, my particular situation is a bit different. It is special. So I have a harder battle to fight. Will I succeed? I must. Will I succeed? I don't know. And I'm really running out of patience. And time. And energy. And possibilities.